Your true self — book notes from “psycho-Cybernetics”
Life often challenges our sense of self. We strive to expand, but our self-image can be fragile. Maxwell Maltz’ experience as a plastic surgeon led him to notice how significantly self-image affects our lives. His book Psycho-Cybernetics published in 1960 has stood out as a self-help book that isn’t focused on one-time fixes but on universal, practical principles that can be woven into daily life. As I went through the book, I took a ton of notes, and now I’d like to reflect on them here — perhaps it will prompt some reflection for you too.
On self-image
Creating ourselves is an active process. The art of curating our person, is not just an intellectual act, but needs to be encompassed by experiences. You need to actively create proof of the person that you are. Even adopting new ideas of ourselves takes time. Just as patients who undergo plastic surgery need around 21 days to get used to their new faces, so too do we need time to internalize and adjust to new self-conceptions. Before we can change ourselves, we first need to become aware of how we currently see ourselves. This self-awareness is often shaped by unconscious beliefs, influenced by past experiences, the people around us, and our victories and failures.
“Discovering your real self means the difference between freedom and the compulsions of conformity.”
On feeling “ugly”
Maltz presents an eye-opening statistic: a survey he refers to found that 90% of people were dissatisfied with their appearances. He then points out that it's unlikely that 90% of people are actually “ugly” or “defective.” This dissatisfaction, Maltz argues, is a product of what he calls “imaginary ugliness,” a distortion of how we see ourselves. It’s not a true reflection of our physical appearance but rather an imagined flaw. What if, instead of fighting our own bodies, we learned to be kinder to ourselves? The path to happiness starts with accepting and loving the reflection we see in the mirror.
“The secret is this: To really ‘live,’ that is to find life reasonably satisfying, you must have an adequate and realistic self image that you can live with. You must find yourself acceptable to ‘you.’ You must have a wholesome self-esteem. You must have a self that you can trust and believe in. You must have a self that you are not ashamed to ‘be,’ and one that you can feel free to express creatively, rather than to hide or cover up. You must have a self that corresponds to reality so that you can function effectively in a real world. You must know yourself—both your strengths and your weaknesses and be honest with yourself concerning both. Your self-image must be a reasonable approximation of ‘you,’ being neither more than you are, nor less than you are”
On more life and making mistakes
Maltz emphasizes that, deep down, our core desire is to experience “more life.” Happiness, success, and peace of mind are just different manifestations of this deeper desire. On the other hand, feelings of anxiety, fear, and self-doubt constrict our ability to live fully. These negative emotions often stem from our conclusions about experiences, rather than the actual facts of the situation. When we make mistakes, the key is not to dwell on them but to focus on correcting them. This shift in perspective allows us to transform mistakes into opportunities for growth, reminding us of our resilience and adaptability.
“The minute that we change our minds, and stop giving power to the past, the past with its mistakes loses power over us.”
On creativity and perception
We all use "creative imagination" every day. It’s the process by which we envision our goals and create mental pictures of how to achieve them. The act of creation is not limited to the visible arts but is an essential part of how we shape our lives. Importantly, Maltz also points out that we cannot change our self-image unless we believe that the new image is grounded in truth. Often, when people change their self-image, they feel like they are “discovering” their true selves, rather than adopting a new persona. This resonates with the idea that self-improvement isn’t about becoming someone we aren’t but about realizing the full potential of who we truly are.
“‘Creative imagination’ is not something reserved for the poets, the philosophers, the inventors. It enters into our every act. For imagination sets the goal ‘picture’ which our automatic mechanism works on. We act, or fail to act, not because of ‘will,’ as is so commonly believed, but because of imagination.”
End note
Ultimately, the journey to finding your true self is a process of self-acceptance and self-love. It’s about understanding that you are unique, not in competition with anyone else.
“You as a personality are not in competition with any other personality simply because there is not another person on the face of the earth like you.”
Side quest of the week
What is a belief you want to change about yourself? Change it into a positive and character-reaffirming message and remind yourself of it everyday for the next 21 days. And if you dare, act accordingly.
With love,
Minh